DIVERSIONS FOR STUDENTS. 
^ ■ 



I. 

QUEEN OF HEARTS. 

& ©ramattc jFatttasia. 

By J. B. G. 



sj^.c 



BOSTON: 

PUBLISHED BY GINN, HEATH, & CO. 

1885. 



V 



DIVERSIONS FOR STUDENTS. 



I 



QUEEN OF HEARTS. 



<E ©ramattc jFatttasta, 



By J. B. G. ->^ 



>^c 









BOSTON: 

PUBLISHED BY GINN, HEATH, & CO. 

1885. 



75 ^ / 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1885, by 

J. B. GREENOUGH, 
in the" office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



JZ-zfrtol 



J. S. Cushing & Co., Printers, 115 High Street, Boston. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Fairy Heartsease. 

Queen of Hearts. 

Ace of Hearts {The Princess). 

Ace of Diamonds, ^ 

Ace of Spades, \ Maids of Honor. 

Ace of Clubs, J 

King of Hearts. 

The White Knight, Crown Prince of Euchre. 

Knave of Hearts, "> 

Knave of Diamonds, \ Young Courtiers. 

Ten of Hearts, J 

Herald. 

Page {Five of Hearts). 

Clubs, Spades, Diamonds, Etc. 



COSTUME. 

The characters should be dressed as much as possible to suggest cards, 

except the fairy, who may wear either the conventional 

costume, or a flowing classic robe. 



THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 



PROLOGUE. 

Tableau of cards (court cards with blanks behind them, others with 
their proper cards in front) discovered. King, Queen, Knave, and 
Ace of Hearts, Ace of Clubs, and Knave of Diamonds, and others 
if desired, as cards. Enter Fairy, who looks on them with interest. 

Fairy. " The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts, 
All on a summer's day ; 
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, 
And took them quite away." 

So runs the story children learn, 

Sung by the ancient bards, 
Of crime and retribution stern, — 

The epic of the cards. 

That must have been long, long ago, 

An age before my day, — 
Some fairy, pitying their woe, 

Gave them a holiday. 

Just see how pitiful their fate ! 

They're pasted on to boards, 
Crammed into boxes, kept up late, 

And thumbed by greasy hordes. 

Turned up, and thrown away, and dealt 

So roughly with, I'm sure, 
Poor creatures, they must oft have felt 

Their life an awful bore. 



6 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. PROLOGUE. 

I've half a mind to let them out 

To see a little grain 
Of real life, and walk about 

The outside world again. 

I wonder what they'll do ? No doubt 

'Twill be about the same, 
For history winds in and out, 

But plays the same old game. 

I'll make the trial, any way ; 

But what's the spell — let's see — 
Oh, I remember ! — I must say, — 

Now — presto — one — two — three. 

\_At "three" strikes the stage with the end of her wand. 
Soft music, coming to a sforzando climax, at which the 
blanks vanish, and the cards wake up, rub their eyes, and 
look around with surprised] 

King. [ Winking.'] Eh ! Hallo ! what's this ? How came 
we here ? 

Fairy. Oh ! you're alive, that's all. I thought, my friends, 
I would just turn you into real people a little while. 

K. Hm. 

Queen. [ Yawning.'] Is it any fun ? I have almost forgot- 
ten about it. 

F. Oh ! I'm afraid its rather dull, but may be you will 
like it just for a change. 

Ace. Oh, how nice ! 

F. You won't always find it easy to manage j but I will be 
by, and help you out if you get into any trouble. Now you 
two sit down here ; you \to King] with your newspaper, and 
the Queen opposite with her knitting-work, and you'll begin 
life like Adam and Eve in Paradise. The rest of you may go 
out a while. [Exeunt all but King and Queen, who sit down. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 7 

ACT I. 

Queen and King. 

Q. \_To King.] My dear, we must have a party. 

K. [Reads half aloud.] 

Q. My dear ! 

K. [Reads.] Horrible accident ! Her majesty, the Queen 
of Clubs, while out driving yesterday — 

Q. Oh ! I'm not to be diverted in that way. I want to 
talk to you. 

K. [Reads.] In this city, on the 12th instant, by the 
Right Reverend, the Bishop of Spadille — 

Q. [Interrupting.] Oh ! who ? [Recovering herself, and 
biting her lips.] But will you just listen to me a minute ? 

K. [Reads."] Camel's hair, it seems, will be very much 
worn again this season. A very neat costume we noticed at 
Shuffle and Cutts had — 

Q. [Rising and snatching paper.] Oh ! let me see. I 
thought they would last another season. What colors will be 
worn? Oh ! those bewitching russets. [Reads half aloud.] 

K. [Chuckling^] You will find quite a full description 
there. Really, their Paris correspondent is a very intelligent 
fellow. 

Q. And here are some fine evening costumes. They are 
just the thing for my party. I will tell Ace about them. 

K. [Aside, with disappointment.] Oh, confound it ! I 
thought they were all street dresses. 

Q. [Sitting down.] And that reminds me. Now, dear, 
you must let me have a party. We really can't decently get 
along without. There are the Diamonds, who have had a 
superb ball, — a brilliant affair. And even those beggarly 



8 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Clubs have had the presumption to give a kettle-drum. And 
then there was the Spades' garden party. It is actually mean 
not to do something. I am absolutely ashamed to accept 
another invitation. 

K. [Asidc.~] Gracious ! I wish you never would, nor send 
one either. , 

Q. And then, you know, there's our dear child, Ace. 
She has grown a lovely girl. We must bring her out more. 
There are several young men that would be excellent matches 
for her. We have no son, you know. . . . There might be 
a revolution in case — Suppose there should be an attempt 
to make it next, and have diamonds trumps. You must be 
looking out for a successor. 

K. [Quickly.'] Oh. thank you, my dear! I'm not in 
haste. 

Q. But I've been watching the child for some time. It's 
my opinion she is interested in somebody we don't know 
about. 

K. Nonsense ! She is a princess, and knows better than 
to care for anybody but an eligible young man. But per- 
haps it is time to secure a husband for her. I have one in 
mind now. 

Q. So have I. There's the Knave of Hearts. Frank, 
gay, witty, — a charming young fellow. After he's tamed 
down a little he would make an excellent husband. 

K. Jupiter ! A nice young man for a family party ! 
Spends as much as the whole royal budget in champagne 
and cigars. Bah ! I'd rather she should be the sixtieth Mrs. 
Brigham Young. I meant the Knave of Diamonds. 

Q. There ! You men are always just so unreasonable. 
Hearts is only a little gay. All young men of spirit go through 
that stage. But your Knave of Diamonds ! Ugh ! a schem- 
ing, selfish creature. Sharp enough to cut his own head off. 
He's sure to make any woman unhappy. Jilted the Ace of 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 9 

Spades, — a splendid girl, — because she couldn't help along 
his ambitious schemes. 

K. I wish you would speak more respectfully of my friend 
and counsellor. 

Q. Oh, yes ! you're so very kind to my favorite. The 
Knave of Hearts is worth — 

K. Stuff ! I won't hear of him. 

Q. Of course you are taken in by that hypocritical — 

K. Well, well, never mind now. Let's talk about the 
party. I don't mind so much having it, though you know I 
hate parties ; but the expense, my dear, the expense ! There 
was a deficit last year of over ten millions, and people are 
grumbling about the taxes dreadfully. 

Q. Now do, dear. It won't be so very expensive. We'll 
use kerosene in the grand chandelier instead of gas, and we 
needn't have any music but a piano, and we'll invite a pianist. 
And now about refreshments. I will make some tarts my- 
self. [ Coaxt7ig/y.~\ You know you are so fond of them, and 
you used to think I made them so nicely. 

K. Well, well, my dear, I suppose I must. I will get 
Finesse to stick the amount somewhere in the budget, — 
secret service, stationery, or harbor excursions, or something 
of that kind. 

Q. Oh, what a dear ! Now let's plan it. 

K. Well, we'll have a good many, — say fifty- two. 

Q. Mercy ! what a pack I Oh, no ! have a select little 
German, — only thirty-two. Then there will be room to 
dance ! 

K. Confound your dancing ! But have it as you like. 
Say thirty- two then. Whom will you have ? 

Q. There are the Diamonds, to begin with. 

K. Yes, I suppose we must have them. They are our 
nearest neighbors, — next in suit, you know. And then 
there are the Spades. 



IO THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Q. Gracious ! Not those vulgar people. I don't mind 
the Clubs, but the Spades are too bad. Why, they are noth- 
ing but market gardeners ! Now the Clubs are, at any rate, 
of a military family. 

K. The Spades do seem a little low in this country ; but 
let me tell you, my dear, their ancestors were soldiers of the 
highest rank, and their connections abroad are the Piques, 
— the best blood in Europe. And as for your Clubs, their 
family was only one of Trefoils, — mere haymakers, related 
to the clovers and the like. 

Q. Bah ! I don't care a fig for your history and genealogy 
and stuff. The Spades are as low as they can be, and don't 
go into society at all. I won't have them in my house. 

K. Oh, very well ! I don't care a fig for your society. 
You needn't have anybody at all. [Rises in a passion. 

Q. [ Vexed. ~] There ! I knew you just wanted to annoy 
me. What difference does it make to you who comes ? 

K. If you'd only just be reasonable ! 

Q. It's you that are obstinate. It's always just so when 
I want anything. 

K. But you are so particular about little things. It's 
foolish. 

Q. Oh, indeed ; foolish, is it ? 

K. Now do restrain your temper. You're so passionate ; 

you get so angry about nothing ; you fume and fret so — 

[Gradually becoming more and mo?-e angry, 

and walking up and down. 

Q. Oh, go on ! go on ! 

K. I won't say another word ! [ Walks up and down.~] 

[Queen vexed, crying, occasionally peeping out 
at him. King sneezes. 

Q. Bless you ! 

K. [Turns quickly. ~\ Did you say, Bless you? 

Q. Why, yes. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. I I 

K. Then let's make up. [Rushes up and embraces her ■.] 
There, there, my dear, you may have just the ones you want. 
Q. No, I won't. I'll have them all. 
K. Well, well, do just as you like. 

Enter Ten. 

Ten. May it please your majesty, a messenger without 
desires to speak with your majesty on important business. 
A dangerous plot is suspected. Fears are entertained that 
something may turn up. A deal of trouble is brewing. 

K. Bless my soul, we cannot let this pass. We will to 
our royal audience-room, and hear the report of this matter. 
Bye bye, my dear. [Exeunt King and Ten. 

Q. Knave of Diamonds, indeed ! A low, double-faced 
politician ! He'd do to sit for a portrait of Janus. But I 
will trump that trick. 

Enter Ten. 

Ten. Your majesty ! 
Q. Proceed. 

Ten. Her Royal Highness and the ladies of your royal 
court await your pleasure. 

Q. Bid them come in. [Exit Ten. 

Enter Ladies {four Aces) a?id salute the Queen. 

Q. Good morning to your Royal Highness. Good morn- 
ing, ladies. I have summoned you on an important matter. 
I have news to tell you. 

Ace of Spades. Your majesty does us honor by this con- 
fidence. 

Ace of Diamonds. [Aside to other ladies .] Goodness gra- 
cious ! what can it be ? 



12 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Ace of Hearts. [Aside.] Can it be that anybody is en- 
gaged ? 

A. of D. [Aside. ~\ Oh ! it's some bit of scandal. 

A. of S. \_Asidc to tadies.~] The king is going to have a 
new waistcoat. We are to decide the color. 

Q. I am going to give a German ! ! ! ! ! 

A. of H. Your majesty does well to gratify the court. 

A. ofS. [Aside. ~] Delightful ! 

A. of D. [Aside. .] Divine ! 

A. of C. [Aside '.] Oh, ecstasy ! 

A. of D. [Aloud to Queen.] Your majesty will doubtless 
take some time for preparation ? 

Q Impossible. I have set next Thursday. 

A. of C. [Aside.] Mercy ! what shall we do? 

A. of D. We haven't a blessed thing to wear. 

A. of S. Bring down the royal ragbags of the last three 
centuries. Pick out the odds and ends, and we shall be just 
in the newest fashion. 

A. of H. [Aside.~\ Dear me ! I can't wear my white 
muslin with a blue ribbon. 

A. of S. [Aside. - ] Oh, yes you can ! Make it scant in 
front, and let it draggle well behind. Get all the hair you 
can, and do it over a sofa pillow. 

Q. Ladies, advise me what color is best for invitations. I 
think a chocolate brown. 

Enter Ten. 

Ten. Your majesty ! 
Q. Speak. 

Ten. A minstrel without craves audience of your majesty. 
Q. Seemed he worthy? 

Ten. Indeed he did, your majesty ; the very quintessence 
of gentility. He wears an ulster and a striped shirt front. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 1 3 

He has a bull terrier, and his cane is short and stout as any 
watchman's billet. 

A. of S. The very stage properties oinobbiness. 

Q. Shall we admit him, ladies ? 

A. of D. 'Twere well at least to see him, your majesty. 
[Aside.] Gracious ! I hope she will. I'm all of a quiver to 
see what he's like. 

A. of C. [Aside.] Oh, yes ! Young men are few, and 
minstrels rarer still. Tis long since we have heard a song. 

A. of S. [Aside.] Our singers now are dreary warblers. 
Their fire is as warm as an artificial back-log. 

A. of H. \_To Queen.] Please let him in. I should like 
to hear a song so. 

Q. Well, Ten, admit him. 

A. of C. [Aside.] Order him up. Don't let him even 
change his suit. [Exit Ten. 

Enter White Knight, disguised in an ulster. Guitar on 
/lis shoulder. Sensation. 

A. of S. \_Aside.~] Goodness ! he's as gay as an under- 
taker. But these girls like it. His air promises a romance 
in three volumes. They'll dote on him. 

A. of D. [Aside.] Oh, isn't he handsome ! So romantic ! 
And he looks so piercingly at me ! 

A. of C. [Aside.'] No, he looked at me. 

A. of S. [Aside.] You silly things ! 'twas me. 

A. of D. [Aside.] I'm sure he looked at me. 

A. of S. [Aside.] A perfect family portrait that stares at 
every spectator. 

W. K. [Aside.] Good ! the Princess. I hoped so. She 
does not recognize me. Excellent. The Queen seems 
amiable. I'll try to make friends with her. 

Q. Enter, gentle sir ; your craft is always welcome. 



14 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

W. K. Thanks, your majesty. I hope my humble skill 
may win your favor. 

Q. Sing on. Your song will doubtless please ; though I 
fear your strain will be a sad one. Your mien betokens 
sorrow. 

A. of S. [Aside.] So much the better. You girls are as 
fond of tears as toads are of a shower. 

A. of C. [Aside.] Oh, isn't it touching ! 

W. K. True, your majesty ; but one must sing what 
comes. I, alas ! have suffered. 

A. of H. [Aside. ~] What a dear interesting creature ! 

A. of D. [Aside.] Oh, he's heavenly ! 

A. of C. [Aside :] Oh, I wish he'd tell his story ! 

A. of S. \_Aside.~\ Oh ! I can tell it ! A pair of blue eyes, 
a water-wave, and a broken heart. But they get well. 
Wait for the next volume. 

[White Knight sings feelingly. The others listen with 
7'apt attention. Goes on timing his instrument. 

A. of D. How sad ! 

A. of C. How noble he seems ! 

Q. Such feeling ! 

A. of S. Oh ! they learn the art, your majesty. He'll be 
as merry as a chirping grasshopper in five minutes. 

A. of C. [In tea?-s.] For shame, you sarcastic thing ! It's 
mean to insult misfortune. 

[White Knight overheating is affected. 

A. of If. [lower tone to Queen.] I don't believe he's a 
minstrel at all. Just now, in his song, he gave me such a 
look ! Nobody but a prince would dare. I never had a 
minstrel look at me so. 

Q. You are mistaken, my dear. He is a very common 
person. [Aside. - ] But he's very amiable. I am quite at- 
tached to him. Fair sir, your song is exquisite. Whose is it? 
W. K. The words and music are my own, your majesty. 



act I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 1 5 

A. of D. [Aside. ~\ What genius ! 

A. of C. A poet, too ! 

Q. Will you be pleased to sing another? 

[White Knight sings again. 

Q. You have moved us much in your favor. Will it please 
you to tell your tale ? We may relieve you. 

IV. K. No doubt your majesty can do much. \_Aside.~] 
I will confess to her. If she assists, the King must take me 
up. The stake is high and deserves a bold game. \_Aloud.~] 
Indeed, your majesty can do more than any other. 

A. of D. [Aside.'] Oh, how exciting ! 

A. of C. \_Aside.~\ I wonder what it can be ? 

Q. Go on with your story. 

W. K. But, your majesty, I cannot make my sorrows so 
public. I must speak with your majesty alone. 

A. of D. [Aside, vexed.~\ How provoking ! 

Q. Your timidity is natural. Ladies, you may retire and 
prepare the invitations for the German. 

[Ladies salute and retire with 7'cgret. 

Q. [Shutting door.~\ Sir, I am impatient to hear your 
story. 

TV. K. [ With significance.] Tis no new one, your majesty. 
I love a lady. 

Q. And she? 

W. K. Is of the very highest station, worth, and beauty. 

Q. Surely, youth and genius ought not to despair, if aided 
by our royal favor. 

TV. K. \_Kneeling.~\ Your majesty emboldens me. 

Q. Speak out. 

IV. K. Can your majesty pardon me? She is no other 
than the Princess Ace of Hearts. 

Q. Ah ! \_With dissembled vexation, and somewhat strong- 
ly '.] How came this ? 

W. K. At first, by a mere accident, your majesty. Last 



1 6 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

summer, as I flung the gaudy fly along a mountain stream, 
I came upon a picnic party gathering water-lilies. The 
Princess was among them ; and I was stricken instantly. 

Q. You lead from a short suit, — a hazardous play ! You, 
a minstrel — aspire — 

W. K. I am not a minstrel, your majesty. I am the Hero 
of the West, the White Knight, called the Joker. [Throws 
off his ulster, ,] 

Q. Ah ! [Aside.'] Vexation ! This accounts for the 
Princess' conduct. I had suspected something. [Aloud.] 
You quite deceived me. An ulster can conceal the knight- 
liest gentleman. I have often seen the students in the horse- 
cars so disguised. But does the Princess know you are here ? 
Does she know your feelings ? 

IV. K. I have told her nothing. But then, few maidens 
need sealed documents in those matters. 

Q. True. [Aside.] Hm ! so much the worse. A danger- 
ous rival for my favorite, Hearts. But it would be a pity to 
cross his love, and disappoint at once so charming a young 
fellow. Just when I am going to have a party, too. [Aloud.] 
Your suit is difficult. The King has other designs. 

W. K. And your majesty? 

Q. Hm ! It is rather sudden ; but we will see. You 
have my leave to stay at court and establish your suit. Be 
silent and discreet. 

W. K. Thanks, thanks, your majesty. 

Q. Be at the German Thursday. Till then, au revoir. 

[White Knight kisses her hand. 

IV. K. [Aside.] I think I have secured the Queen. That's 
certainly a point. [Exit. 

Q. This young man may serve me after all. I will play 
him against the King's left bower. [Rises.'] And he is won- 
derfully attractive, wonderfully. The dear child ! I am sure 
I can't blame her for falling in love with him. What if I 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. \J 

should take up his cause in good earnest. I should like to 
favor him. And it would please my dear Ace so much. She 
would love me almost to death. There's no love so sweet 
as that that's meant for somebody else. . . . But what can I 
do ? I can't abandon Hearts. 'Twas I that set him on to 
sue for the Princess when that saucy Ace of Diamonds jilted 
him. I was very fond of his father, and I wanted to do 
something to advance the young man for his sake. Besides, 
I had to block the King's game with that scamp, the Knave 
of Diamonds. And I had to punish the Ace of Diamonds 
too. Impertinent little minx ! I guess she has had enough 
of it by this time, and wishes she had him back. Good 
enough for her. . . . No, I'll stick to Hearts. Ace will like 
him just as well if she finds she can't have the other. . . . 
It's a pity, too. The stranger is very, very captivating. Cut 
I wonder if she is really so fond of him ? Hm — yes — I 
can't be mistaken. They are very easy to read at her age. 
She's interested, certainly. I will watch her. And here she 
comes. I'll make her show her hand, and decide the game 
at once. 

Enter Ace of Hearts. 

A. of H. We forgot one thing, your majesty. Are we to 
say anything about the hour in the invitations ? 

Q. No, I think you had better not. But are you sure you 
have the whole list ? You know we need young gentlemen. 
Perhaps you may think of some more. Did you see any new 
ones this summer? 

A. of H. No ; at least, none that are here. 

Q. No matter, then. But, maybe — Were there any 
new ones ? 

A. of H. No — Well, yes, there were a few. A young 
man from the West. 



1 8 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Q. [Aside."] Yes, I thought so. [Aloud.'] I hear there 
are some Western men in town. 

A. ofH. Oh, are there? Who? 

Q. I heard no names. Hm — yes — they said the Joker. 

A. of H. [Intei-rupting.] Oh! Is he here? 

Q. Do you know him ? 

A. of H. [Recovering herself. ~\ He was an excellent 
dancer. 

Q. Did you dance with him ? 

A. of H. [Becomi?ig confused.] Yes, once. Perhaps 
twice, and walked with him once on the beach — and — 
[stops, still more confused], [Queen tings. 

Q. Oh ! you do know him then ? 

Enter Page. 

Q. [To Page.] Go call the King. {Exit Page. 

A. of H. Oh, mamma ! please don't tell papa. I really 
did not mean to give him any encouragement. But he was 
so handsome, and he talked so charmingly, and sang so 
divinely, I — you know I had to be polite to him. 

Enter King. 

K. What's the matter now? 

Q. Here's a pretty piece of business. With your bungling 
play, trying to get in your Knave of Diamonds, you have 
made Ace fall in love with a man we know nothing about. 

K. The deuce she has ! W T ho is he ? 

Q. The White Knight. 

K. Fire and fury ! I'll cure her of that. Page, go get 
the Archbishop forthwith. I'll have her married instantly. 

[Exit Page. 

Q. But not to your crafty schemer. She shall marry the 
Knave of Hearts. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 19 

A. of H. But I won't marry anybody. I'll join the 
Harvard Annex first, unless — the White Knight should come 
for me. 

Q. But, my dear, he'll never come. Of course he has 
forgotten all about you. A mere watering-place acquaintance. 

A. of H. But, mamma, you said he was here. 

Q. [Confused.] Yes, to be sure; but he's only here on 
business. [Aside.] How stupid ! 

K. What, the villain here? I'll have his head off in a 
twinkling. You shall marry Diamonds. 

Q. She shall marry Hearts. 

A. of H. I can't marry anybody but the Joker. 

K. I say you shall marry Diamonds. 

Q. She shall not marry Diamonds [crosses to her, and 
caresses her] ; she shall marry Hearts. 

A. of H. I won't marry anybody but the Joker. 

[All stand at hay. 

Enter Fairy. 

Fairy. There, I knew you'd get into a muddle and need 
me. 

K. But mustn't a king and father be obeyed ? 

Q. Mustn't a queen and mother marry her daughter ? 

A. of H. And, dear Fairy, can't a girl and princess choose 
her own husband? [Goes to Fairy. 

Fairy. There, there now, it grows worse and worse. It's 
a deadlock, you see. You must be reasonable. I'll tell you 
what to do. Try the civil service fashion. Have a competi- 
tive examination for the place of husband of the Princess. 

K. Hm ! [Aside.'] A good political scheme. It will please 
the people, and then I can give the place as I like afterwards. 
That's the way they all do. Nobody will see through it ex- 
cept the politicians. 



20 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

Q. Good ! \_Aside.~\ I'll tutor Hearts myself. He's sure 
to win. 

A. of H. Well, I will agree to that; [Aside.'] but I won't 
marry anybody but him, anyway. 

K. We can have it all at the German. But what shall it 
be in? 

Fairy. Oh ! in — music, dancing, and conundrums. 

AIL Agreed. 

Q. [To Ace.] Come, my dear; now we'll go and make 
the tarts. 

King. Fairy. Queen. Ace of Hearts. 

Curtain. 



ACT II. 



Gas turned down. Enter Aces of Spades, Clubs, and 
Diamonds. Middle front. 

Diam. Oh, such news ! You never heard anything like it. 

Sp. Oh, what? 

CI. Oh, let's hear ! 

Diam. I couldn't have believed it possible. 

Sp. Come, tell ! 

CI. Yes, tell, tell ! 

Diam. You would scream. 

CI. For mercy's sake, what is it? Is it anything about 
the handsome stranger? 

Diam. Oh, yes, yes ! it's all about the handsome stranger, 
and it's the most wonderful thing. 

Sp. Oh, let her keep it to herself ! It will choke her bye 
and bye, and she will have to let it out. 

CI. I wish it would. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 21 

Diam. But you will tell? 

Sp. Oh, no, indeed ! 

CI. Never ! never ! 

Diam. But won't you ever tell anybody at all, ever? 

CI. Not for worlds. 

Sp. Oh, bah ! it will be something of no consequence, and 
that everybody knows, too. I don't want to hear it. 

Diam. It's — it's — it's the handsome stranger. He's — 
the White Knight ! {Both seize hold of Diamonds. 

Sp. Oh, my ! 

CI. Oh, where is he ? 

Sp. What did he come for? 

CI. Will he be at the German? 

{Both give an instantaneous look at their clothes. 

Diam. Oh, yes ! and he's asked for the hand of the Prin- 
cess. 

Sp. and CI. {Suddenly letting go. ~\ Oh ! 

Sp. You might know it, after the scandalous way they 
behaved last summer. Somebody ought to have told her 
mother. 

Diam. Why, how did they behave? 

CI. Was it so very bad ? 

Sp. Oh, mercy, yes ! — I was in the picnic party when he 
came. He was fishing, and looked like a fright. Had on a 
blue shirt and big boots. / never should have thought of 
falling in love with him. But the Princess is just such a 
silly thing. The minute he looked at her, you might have 
knocked her down with a feather. And he was just as bad. 
He lost a great trout while he was looking at her, and almost 
went in heels over head himself. I never saw such ninny- 
hammers. 

CI. How long since you cut your wisdom teeth? 

Diam. Oh, do keep still, and let her talk. 

Sp. And then he came to the house where we were stop- 



22 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

ping, and stayed a week. Pretended he had broken his tackle. 
The boys all said it was too thin. I suppose they meant — 

Diam. [Interrupting."] Oh, yes, of course ! Goon. 

Sp. And they danced together, and walked together on 
the shore, — oh, so late ! — I used to see them every night. 

CI. What were you up for ? 

Sp. It's none of your business, is it ? 

CI. Then I don't see as it's any of your business what she 
did. 

Diam. Now, girls, don't quarrel. You go on. 

Sp. Why, everybody was shocked. And he isn't anybody, 
either. I don't see how she could. His family has never 
been heard of till within a few years. It isn't mentioned in 
Hoyle's Peerage at all. 

Diam. I don't care. He's handsome, and brave, and 
strong, and beats everybody at everything. 

CI. And he's rich, too. Pshaw ! you'd either of you marry 
him in a minute, if you could. He's worth a dozen of your 
beggarly knaves. 

Diam. But you can't, either of you, have him. They're 
going to have a tournament for the Princess's hand at the 
German. Of course he'll win. 

Sp. I hope so. 

CI. Of course you girls hope so. I'm thankful my lover 
doesn't want any Princess. But are they really going to have 
a contest? 

Diam. Oh, no ! It's only a modern, tame affair. Music, 
dancing, and conundrums. No charging, nor broken lances, 
nor frightened horses, nor killed, nor wounded. No fun at 
all. But it will make variety, any way. 

Sp. Sh ! girls, I hear steps ! [They listen.'] Oh, it's men ! 

Let's go. It's so dark ! I wish they'd lighted the gas in 

the great hall. It would be dreadful to fall in with them. 

[They run to the right, Spades leading. She is caught behind 

the wing by Knave of Diamonds, and screams. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 23 

CI. Oh, they are on this side ! [Runs back to left, where 
Diamonds is caught in same way by Knave of Hearts.] 
Oh, dear, they are here, too ! [Runs to back, and is caught 
by Ten, coming in.~] Goodness, they are everywhere. 
[Faints, and is caught by Ten, and taken to seat at back, 
where he tries to bring her tv, with exaggerated effort. 

\ Enter Knave of Diamonds, with Ace of Spades on his arm, 
ho/ding her fast. 

K. of D. Ho, ho, my dear ! Why so fast? 

Sp. [Aside.'] It's the Knave of Diamonds. I'll pay him 
off ! [ Changing her voice, to represe7it a serving-maid, and 
keeping her face out of sight. Aloud.~\ Oh, do let me go, 
sir ! I shall be blamed for staying. 

K. of D. Oh, pshaw ! Pretend you stayed to see your 
sweetheart. They won't mind that. 

Sp. Oh, but I haven't any, sir ! 

K. of D. No sweetheart ! What fatal waste ! Take me, 
then, heart-riddling, soul-disturbing creature ! Most deli- 
cious card in the pack ! I know by this little sample. 
[Caressing her hand, which he holds fast '.] What do they 
call this bundle of loveliness ? 

Sp. I am the Two of Spades, the Little Casino. But I 
don't want a lover. They tell me they are all false. 

K. of D. Oh, don't believe them ! The greatest villain 
would be a bond-slave to your charms. My heart is yours. 
. It flashed upon me the instant I met you that our fates were 
entwined. I see it in the cards. Our lives are one. 

Sp. I don't dare trust you. I have heard men talk before. 
It sounds pretty, but they get it by heart. I have seen it all 
in the Complete Letter- writer. 

K. of D. Oh, I swear it's real ! Pray give me a little 
lodgement in your heart. I throw myself at your feet. 



24 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

Sft. [Disengaging herself by a quick movement."] Thank 
you ! I don't want any second-hand furniture. And when 
I have any place in my heart, I will look for a permanent 
tenant. I knew you at once. You are the Knave of Dia- 
monds, the greatest scamp in the kingdom. You make love 
to me ! I wouldn't have you, if old maids were to be burnt 
at the stake, and every other man but you were drowned in 
a deluge. Ugh ! [Runs away. 

K. of D. Egad ! I caught a Tartar. What cats they all 
are ! Velvet paws, and claws like cutlasses. It was an odd 
trick, though. She was not what she pretended to be. 
Deuce take me, who was she ? I'll follow, and find out. 

[ Gas turned on. 

Enter Knave of Hearts, with Ace of Diamonds on 
his arm. 

Hearts. I am so glad to meet you. I had something 
special to say — 

Diam. And I had a great many things to tell you. Do 
you know about the White Knight and the Princess ? Oh, 
such a flirtation ! 

K. of H. [Seizing her haud.~] My dear Diamonds — 

Diam. [Interrupting.'] Oh, yes, my new ring ! Isn't it 
exquisite ? It's an opal. The Princess gave it to me for a 
birthday present. 

K. of H. Just listen a minute, Diamonds. 

Diam. Why ! do you hear anything? Oh, you fright- 
ened us so before ! 'Twas such a joke ! We tried to run 
away, and I ran right into your arms. 

K. of H. I wish you'd stay . . . 

Diam. Oh, I can't stay more than a minute. I must go 
and dress for the German, The saloon is lighted, you see, 
already. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 2$ 

K. of H. You know, Diamonds, we've been friends this 
ever so long. 

Diam. Oh, yes ! and I hope we shall be friends a great 
while longer. 

K. of H. /hope we shall be . . . 

Diam. Yes, it's so delightful to have gentlemen friends. 
You want some to flirt with, and some to dance with, and 
some to send you bouquets and tickets. You can't have too 
many. 

K. of H. And which class do you put me in? 

Diam. \_Confused.~] Oh, I don't know which. You are 
good to keep, to see what you'll come to. 

K. of H. But I only want one friend, and that's you. My 
dear Diamonds, if you only knew how much I loved you. 

Diam. Oh, yes ! it's so in the song. \_Humming.~\ Si tu 
savais comme je faime. 

K. of H. Now tell me, won't you love me? 

Diam. I'm sure I wish I could, but I can't. 

K. of H. I don't see why it should be so very difficult. 

Diam. Perhaps not for you. Maybe you are like Pom- 
pey, in love with yourself, without a rival. O no, Hearts, 
I don't mean that. I know how good you are, and I'm very 
sorry, but you wouldn't have me pretend to if I didn't? 

K. of H. That kind of lying often > comes true, though. 
But, if I can't have you, I must do without. 

Diam. We shall be friends, shan't we? 

K. of H. Oh, I couldn't hate you, if I tried. 

Diam. Well, then, show your friendship, and escort me 
in. I must get ready for the German. 

K. of H. You know I am your servant, always. [Exeunt. 

Enter Ten, with Clubs, just recovered. 

Clubs. Oh, mercy, Ten, is it you? I needn't have fainted 
at all. I am almost sorry I did. 



•26 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

Ten. I hope not quite. 

CI. Well, I won't regret it, if you don't. But you must 
complete your service, and take me in. J, might fall in with 
somebody else. 

Ten. I would escort you to the stake, most adorable of 
women ! 

CI. Oh, no, thank you ! I don't care to go. 

[Ten offers his arm, and they go out. 

Enter Knave of Diamonds. 

K. of D. I can't find that saucy jade. But no matter, 
that will keep ; but I wonder what the King was called away 
for? He had just promised me the hand of the Princess, 
and the place of prime minister : now the question is to plot 
or not to plot. What if I abandon the conspiracy altogether ? 
I ought to come out ahead without it. Let's count the 
score. I am sure of the King, that's as good as a double, 
that's two. Gain the Princess, and there's another double ; 
and the rub, — ay, there's the rub sure enough. But I never 
failed with them yet. They are easy enough to bring to 
terms. A compliment, a sigh, and a bouquet, — and they 
are finished directly. There's the Ace of Spades. How 
fond she used to be of me ! I liked the girl, too. Pity I 
had to drop her ! But politics, politics ! Head of the 
cabinet, and husband of the Princess Royal. The prize was 
too great. " Men must work, and women must weep." 
The poor girl had to go overboard. Gad, how bitter she is 
now ! She was always sharp ; sharp enough to be caught by 
sharpness. That's the trouble with the Princess. She is so 
innocent she spoils the best intrigue. But I shall manage it. 
Hra ! there's some one coming. ^Retires. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 2*] 

Enter Knave of Hearts. 

K. of H. This must be the place, — an unfrequented room 
in the palace. It's a good joke my being a conspirator. I 
shouldn't be in it, if that girl the Ace of Diamonds hadn't 
refused me. 

Re-enter Diamonds, with significant gestures as conspirator 
continued through the Act. 

K. of D. What are trumps? 

K. of H. Hearts. 

K. of D. I pass. 

K. of H. I make it spades. 

K. of D. St ! some one comes. \_They retire. 

Enter Ten. Re-enter Knaves. 

K. of D. What are trumps? 

Ten. Hearts. 

K. of D. I pass. 

Ten. I make it spades. 

K. of D. What news, my faithful Ten? 

Ten. The Queen is to have a party. 

K. ofD. andH. Ha!!! 

K. of H. Is it sure? 

Ten. I heard it even now from her own royal lips. 

K. of D. And does the King consent? 

Ten. Unwillingly he does. 

K. of D. 'Tis strange. What means this sudden deter- 
mination ? 

K of H. Doubtless it is to bring out the Ace. 

K. of D. I fear there be more potenf reasons. When 
comes it off? 

Ten. On Thursday. [Sensation. 



25 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

K. of D. I feared it. Tis the time set for the plot. 

K. of H. They must suspect. 

Ten. Oh ! I am sure not. 

K. of D. St ! some one comes. 

[Knaves hide. Ten remains. 

Enter King. 

K. [Aside.] If I could find Diamonds, I would instruct 
him about the examination. [To Ten.] Have you seen the 
Knave of Diamonds ? 

Ten. Not since yesterday, your majesty. 

K. I would fain speak to him of the conspiracy. I will 
seek him further. [Exit King. 

Knaves come out. 

K. of D. What said the King? 

Ten. He but remarked upon the coolness of the weather 
as he passed. 

K. of H. 'Tis well. I feared it had been more serious. 
But had you any further news ? 

Ten. A new aspirant for the hand of the Princess. 

K. of H. Impossible ! 

K. of D. Can it be so? Who? 

Ten. The White Knight. 

K. of D. [Aside .] The conspiracy must go on. [Aloud.~\ 
Ten, have the guards been tampered with ? 

Ten. Copies of Schenck on Poker have been distributed 
freely among them, and Spades — 

K. of D. Take care ! the Queen. [Knaves hide. 

Enter Queen. 

Q. [Aside. .] Where is Hearts? I must see him. [Sees 
Ten, who is practising minuet steps awkwardly. ~] My faith- 
ful Ten, have you seen his majesty? 



ACT ii. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 29 

Ten. I left him just now in his apartment. 

Q. I'll seek him there. \_Exit Queen. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. Thursday, at midnight, is the hour. Ten, guard 
every approach to the palace. Hearts, you will take com- 
mand of — 

Ten. St ! the Ace. [Knaves retire. 

Enter Ace of Hearts. 

A. of H. \_Aside.~] I must find the Joker to give him this 
book of conundrums. What ! the Ten here ! [72? Ten.] 
Ten, have you seen the Queen ? 

Ten. No, your royal highness, she has not passed this way. 
I have just come in to find the King. [Exit Ace of Hearts. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. As I said just now, Hearts will direct — 

Ten. St ! some one comes. [Knaves retire. 

Enter stealthily three Aces. 

A. of C. We were seeking some unfrequented part of the 
palace to practise the minuet. 

Ten. You will find the next apartment quiet. This one 
seems liable to intrusion. \_Exeunt Aces. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. Secure the persons of the Royal Family. Then 
proclaim Spades trumps. The King of Spades will at once — 

Enter Herald. — False start. 

Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! His majesty the 
King has ordered all the suitors for the hand of her Royal 
Highness to appear at the Queen's German, and pass a com- 



30 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

petitive examination for the place of Royal Consort. Long 
live his majesty, King of Hearts ! 

[Cornet. Sensation. Exit Herald. 

K. of D. [Aside, on one side of the stage where lie irtires 
formally to soliloquize. .] A new complication. The plot 
must be postponed. We'll all go in for the examination 
first. 

K. of H. [On other side, in same manner •.] Gad, here's 
a new trouble. Just when a fellow wants to enjoy himself he 
must get up this confounded examination. And we must 
go in. It won't do to depend entirely on the conspiracy. 
It's bad enough to have to plot, but this is worse still. What 
a pity the Ace of Diamonds refused me ! She's such a 
stunner ! She doesn't trouble you with conundrums and 
competitions. She likes to be merry. And what a bore it 
will be too, if I win, to be the husband of the Princess. But 
there's fun in it, too. Royal consorts are not so badly off, 
after all. I'll go in — and win ? Yes, and win. 

[Knaves retire. 

Enter King. 

K. I cannot find Diamonds. 

Ten. He must be in the garden of the palace, your 
majesty. 

K. Come, I will confer with you upon this matter. 

[Exit with Ten, who makes signs behind the King's 

back to the Knaves. 

Re-enter Knaves. 

K. of H. Jove ! isn't it queer? Such a joke ! A new 
suitor for the Princess, and a competitive examination be- 
tween us all, — Music, Dancing, and Conundrums. 

K. of D. \_Aside.~] This looks dangerous. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 3 1 

K. of H. You and I are about even, old boy, on those 
things. 

K. of D. The new rival is very fascinating, they say. 

K. of H. Yes, the White Knight sweeps the board; but 
the King and Queen don't favor him. He has no chance. 
We can beat him two to one. 

K. of D. Hm ! Hearts, I have an idea. Suppose we join 
to euchre the stranger, and then play it out between our- 
selves. It's a three-handed game now. 

K. of H. Agreed ! fair play between us, though. 

K. of D. Oh, of course, of course ! St ! there comes the 
Queen. [They retire. 

Enter Queen with Tarts. 

Q. There ! How pleased the King will be ! And Hearts 
is fond of them, too. The best I ever made. I hope they 
are better than the Queen of Diamonds' saw-dust pound- 
cake with plaster frosting. I'll set them here to cool. No- 
body will dare to touch them. It's high treason, at the 
least. They are all marked with the crown. Now about the 
music. [Exit Queen. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. [Aside. - ] Good ! A glorious plan ! It will ruin 
them both, and then I shall have a lone hand. [Aloud.] 
Hearts, let's make the White Knight eat the tarts. 

K. of H. Gad ! a capital joke. We'll do it. 

K. of D. Put on an apron, and take them to him as a 
present from the Ace. 

K. of H. What a head you have ! But let us take a few 
ourselves. 

K. of D. Thank you. I never eat between meals. I am 
afraid they'd disagree with [Aside."] my plans. 



32 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT n. 

K. of H. Here goes then. 

\_Eats with signs of approbation. Puts on a handker- 
chief as an apron and car7'ies them away. 
K. of D. Here's another double and the rub without the 
Princess. The game is sure. [Retires. 

Enter Ace of Hearts. 

A. of H. He must win. He sings like an angel. And 
such dancing ! But the conundrums ! I'm afraid he isn't 
up to them. But then he's so clever. He beat in all the 
games last summer. And he is so handsome. I have sent 
him a splendid book of conundrums. If he cares for me, 
he'll get it up. He can't fail. 

Enter White Knight. 

W. K. Charming Princess. [Ace screams. 

A. of H. What ! you here ! How dared you? 

W. K. Am I too bold ? 

A. of B. [With effusion.] Oh, no ! [Confused.] That is — 
yes — of course — here in the palace. [Alarmed.] If you 
were discovered ! 

W. K. Oh ! never fear. The game is worth the candle. 
And then I have secured the Queen. 

A. of H. You were the minstrel, then? 

W. K. By that disguise I gained admission to the palace. 

A. of H. What reckless daring ! 

W. K. 'Twas little risk. Love wears its own sure pano- 
ply, and I would have rushed to you, though you were the 
Iron Maiden of Nuremberg. Oh, sublimate of princely 
womanhood ! Can you have forgotten the supreme bliss of 
last summer? That memory dwells ever in my heart, like 
some lone hermit in his cell. I saw you gathering lilies, and 
they seemed to spring themselves to meet the fairest of their 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 33 

kind. My senses failed for very happiness. I seemed to 
sit upon a lotus and be borne adown the Ganges. 

A. of H. [Aside.] Oh, do hear him talk ! He's just 
heavenly. 'Twas exactly so last summer. 

W. K. And then you spoke the simple words, " Why, 
there's a fisherman." I woke, and every fibre of my being 
thrilled in harmony, as when the viol sings its strain under 
the master's hand. I seized some slight pretence of broken 
tackle, or untimely floods, and dwelt near by. We met. I 
gazed into your eyes, — not eyes, but heavenly loop-holes, 
through whose shining blue I peeped into the bliss of Para- 
dise. We danced, and as we turned we left the earth and 
swam through endless space into eternity. Ah, the envious 
elder maids looked grave, and whispered, but we heeded 
not. True love needs no duenna. Do you remember? 

A. of H. Yes, I remember. How could I forget? It was 
the first — But — 

IV. K. I could not doubt it. And now I fear nothing, 
but the sweet token of your affection. From your own 
hands — 

A. of H. [Aside. .] Oh, he has received the conundrums ! 
He'll win now surely. 

W. K. The gift was yours then, pearl of maidens ? 

A. of H. {Hesitatingly. ,] Yes, I did send it j but I — I 
only thought — 

W. K. [Interrupting^] Oh, don't explain ! [Aside.] Ec- 
static thought ! The tarts were hers. So young, and a 
pattern of housewifery ! [Aloud.] They were superb. I 
devoured them, — crammed them instantly. They are ab- 
sorbed into my being. 

A. of H. [Aside. ~] Oh, what a dear, enthusiastic creature ! 
I was sure he would take them in. He's certain, certain to 
win now. [Aloud.'] But you know — 

W. K. [Interrupting.] Oh, yes ! I heard the proclama- 



34 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

tion of the Herald. And did you consent to the competi- 
tion ? 

A. of H. [Simply^] I knew you'd win, of course. 

W. K. Thanks, adorable Princess, for your confidence. 
I am ready for the contest. We cannot fail. Your gift has 
given me new power, and now your assurance is a sure pre- 
sage of success. Have I your permission then to try? 

A. of H. [Sinking her head on his shoulder, almost inaud- 
ibly.] Yes ! 

W. K. Oh, I could hear that sound, though 'twere less 
audible than silence itself ! 

A. of H. You are — that is, you have — carte blanche. 

A. of H. Oh, I hear some one coming. 

[They run off different ways, turning several times 

and throwing kisses. 

Re-enter Knave of Diamonds in a rage. 

K. of D. Perdition swallow him ! He has secured the 
Princess. That point is gone. But the game's not lost. 
There's the competition. If he wins that too, I'll spring the 
tarts upon him and blow up Hearts too. . . . And, should 
that fail, I have still the plot. I'll upset the state, and climb 
upon the ruins. . . . But the competition — [Sings a scale.'] 
The music's safe, at least. Then the conundrums ! . . . Bah ! 
I've wit enough to beat innocent Hearts and spooney Joker. 
But the dancing. . . . Hm. . . . 'Tis not so sure. . . . 
[Thinks.] Good! I have a chance. [Calls.] Ho! Page. 
[Enter Page.] Go call the Herald. [Exit Page.] The 
Herald is a dancing-master in disguise, — a spy of the King 
of Spades. He'll teach me privately. An' my good legs 
fail me not, I'll pirouette it with the best, of them. [Enter 
Herald.] Good morning to your nimbleness. 

Herald. Good morning to your excellency. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 35 

K. of D. Thou art a dancer, I believe. 

Her. I do skip a little, please your excellency. 

K. of D. Canst thou teach thy art? 

Her. Ay, I could teach it even to the Cardiff Giant, or the 
mummies in the Museum. 

K. of D. Good ! I would learn it. But st ! some one 
comes. Bah ! the palace swarms like an ant-hill. [Retires. 

Enter Knave of Hearts. 

Her. [Without knowing that K. of D. is gone.~] Your 
excellency must first — 

K. of H. Good morning, Herald. Well met, well met ! 
[Mysteriously. ~\ I have need of thy skill. I would get up a 
dance, — some master-stroke, a Terpsichorean avalanche, 
something to make the women sigh and languish, and all 
mankind grow green with jealousy. 

Her. I have that power. [Looking round.~\ But just now 
I had another pupil. 

K. of H Ha ! ! a spy. [Retires. 

Her. [Turns back.~\ And now they both are gone. 

[The two Knaves/^ in at sides and see each other. 

K. of H. Oh ! it's Diamonds. 

K. of D. Oh ! it's Hearts. [They come out laughing. 

K. of H. Let's learn together. 

Her. Yes, 'twill be a conservatory. 

K. of D. Oh ! a college. 

K. of H. Or, better yet, a university. 

Her. Now, your excellencies, take your places. I will lay 
aside this book. 

Both Knaves. A book? What is it? 

Her. A book of conundrums I was to give the White 
Knight from the Princess. [Sensation ^\ I have not yet had 
time. 



2,6 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. act ill. 

K. of H. We will take it to him. [Signs to K. of D. 

Her. Good ! [ Gives book to K. of H. The Knaves look 
at the book, and put it away with significant gestures^ Now, 
gentlemen, take your positions. 

[ Grotesque lesson i?i dancing, according to the skill of 
the performers. Cor?iet heard outside. 
K. of D. Ha ! The court is assembling. We must pre- 
pare for the examination. [Start to go out. Curtain falls . 



ACT III. 



Hall of the Palace. A pillar on each side large enough to 
conceal one of the Knaves. Dais, throne, etc. Enter in 
procession, with music, the King, Queen, Ace, Ladies, 
Ten, Herald, and other cards at pleasure. They take 
their places. 

K. Now, my dear, you have your party. What do you 
want to do ? 

Q. Let's have the business first, — say the competitive 
examination. Where's the Fairy? 

K. Oh ! she can't be far off. 

Enter Fairy. 

K. Are you ready for the examination to proceed ? 
Fairy. The candidates will be here presently. I have 
prepared the papers — [ Cornet heard.~\ There they are now. 

Enter Knave of Hearts with Page. Salutes the Fairy and 
the royal party, and takes his place. Another Cornet. 
Enter Knave of Diamonds in same maimer. Another. 
Enter White Knight. 

Fairy. Let the Herald announce the contest. 



act III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 37 

Her. Oyez, oyez, oyez ! The great competition for the 
hand of the incomparable princess, Ace of Hearts, under the 
rules of chivalry, will now begin. The trial will be in music, 
dancing, and conundrums. The fairy Heartsease, Grand 
Protectress of the Kingdom of Hearts, will preside and be 
umpire. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts! [Calls.] 
The Knave of Diamond, Left Bower to his majesty ! [K. of 
D. conies forward, bows, and takes his place. Applause.] 
The Knave of Hearts, Right Bower to the Queen ! [K. of H. 
comes forward in same manner :] The White Knight, called 
the Joker, otherwise the Best Bower, the Hero of the West, 
and Crown Prince of Euchre ! [Joker same.'] 

Her. [To thcm.~] Most noble gentlemen, you pledge your 
honor that you have not seen the papers ; that you have no 
jokers, ponies, cribs, or other illegal assistance about you ; 
that you have not unduly crammed for this examination ; 
and that you have no bets pending on the result. 

All. We do. 

K. of H. [To K. of D.] Say, Diamonds, will you bet? 

K. of D. I never do. 

A', of H. The more fool you. 

Fairy. [To King, Queen, and Ace.] Now, you all prom- 
ise to be satisfied with the event, and accept the successful 
man ? 

K. [ With some confusion.] Yes. 

Q. [With 7'egret.] Yes. 

Ace. [Timidly, yet with confidence/] Oh, yes ! 

Fairy. Then forward to the fray, and may the best man 
win. Herald, bid the trumpet sound, and order the con- 
testants to proceed. 

[ Gives papers to the Herald. Trumpet sounds. 

Her. [Reads.] Sing an air from some Italian opera. 

[K. of D. sings. 

A. of S. [Aside to girls.] He must win. They can't do 
better than that. 



38 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT ill. 

A. of C. Perhaps you wish he wouldn't win. 

A. of S. [Confused.] Oh ! I don't care. 

K. Bravo, Diamonds ! Magnificent ! Grand ! Such in- 
telligence ! The perfection of Art ! 

Q. Pshaw ! but there's no soul in it. His delivery was 
wretched, and his F was flat. 

K. There ! I knew you'd be trying to influence the umpire. 
Call the Queen to order. 

Fairy. Your majesties should both be quiet. 

K. But she's trying to prejudice — 

Q. But you began it. 

K. I didn't say a word. 

Q. Oh, you did ! 

Fairy. There, there, my dears, let them go on. 

Her. Silence in the lists ! [K. of H. sings. Applause. 

K. [To Queen.] Oh, such execrable singing ! 

Q. 'Twas exquisite, — so tender and sweet! You have 
no taste in music ; and then you're so prejudiced. 

K. How absurd ! 

A. of C. [To A. of D.] Now it's your turn to despair. 

A. of D. Oh! he'll never win any prize. He's too gay 
and good-natured. But he sings well enough, for a man. I 
shouldn't like to have him sing too well. 

A. of C. I suppose not. He might win if he did. 

A. of D. You mean thing ! 

[White Knight sings. All silent for a few seconds ; then 

a conce?'ted, long-drawn sigh. 

K. [Recovering^ Did you ever hear such a ridiculous 
performance ? 

Q. Oh ! 'twas hideous. 

A. of D. [Aside to ladies .] Divine, enchanting, rapturous ! 
Such delicacy, such power, such expression ! He sings pian- 
issimo as daintily as the Apollo Club, and his forte is like 
Thomas' brass in Tannhatiser. I hope he'll win. 



ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 39 

A. of C. Yes ; for then Hearts will lose. And there 
may be a sequel to Rejected Addresses. 

A. of S. If it had been your case, there never would have 
been any rejected addresses at all. 

A. of C. Bah ! I never heard of any in your case. 

Her. The contestants will each dance a. pas sad. 

K. of D. I am a little lame this evening, and my physi- 
cian prohibits dancing. 

K. Stuff ! nonsense ! Go in, Diamonds, and crush them 
with something immense. 

K. of D. [Aside. ,] I really don't know how, your majesty. 
[K. of D. dances poorly, or may decline. 

K. [ With suppressed rage, aside.~\ I discard you. Such 
a fiasco! 

A. of C. [To A. of S.] There, your stock is looking up 
now. 

Q. \_To King.] Oh, yours is a nice man, isn't he? 

K. Dancing is absurd for a man, — low, out of fashion. 
It don't count. 

Q. Low, indeed ! They say Bismarck danced at a festival 
lately with all the girls on his estate. Wait till Hearts 
dances. [Hearts dances. Applause. 

Q. There ! What did I tell you ! Oh, such grace ! such 
agility ! 

K. \_Vexed.~] Bah! 

A. of C. [To A. of D.] Aren't you a little afraid he'll 
win? 

A. of D. Pooh ! I should like to see him ! 

[White Knight dances. Applause. 

A. of H. [Asidei] I knew he would. He danced so last 
summer. 'Twas heavenly. 

Her. The Fairy Heartsease herself will now propound the 
conundrums. 

Fairy. How many men did the King of France have after 



40 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

he marched up the hill with twenty thousand men, and then 
marched down again? 

K. of D. Twenty thousand. It's only a catch. 

K. Shrewd fellow, that Diamonds. 

Q. But that's not the answer. 

K. That's just it, there isn't any. 

Fairy. Silence ! 

K. of H. Twenty thousand and two. He made high and 
then low, — that counts him two. 

Q. There ! there's some ingenuity in that ! 

Fairy. [To W. K.] What do you say? 

W. K. Twenty-two thousand, of course. A march adds 
two to the score. 

[Applause. King and Queen look blank. 

A. of H. How did he know that? It wasn't in the book 
I sent him. 

Fairy. Why is a London hansom cab like a Shanghai 
rooster ? 

K. of D. Hm ! Because it is higher behind than it is 
before. 

K. of H. I'll give it up. No ! because it is big enough 
for two, but isn't big enough for four. 

W. K. No, because it is not a coach-in-China. 

A. of D. Oh, how clever ! 

Q. Isn't he bright? but then he can't dance. Hearts 
beats him in that. 

Fairy. How does a wild goose find his course in his mi- 
grations ? 

K. Oh, that isn't fair ! That's Natural History. 

Q. Oh, they ought to know it. Hearts will, I am 
sure. 

K. of D. He don't. He never loses it. 

K. of H. Oh, pshaw ! That isn't it. It's because he 
always has a beak- on to guide him. 



ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 4 1 

W. K. Exactly ; and he always keeps it on a head. 

[Applause. By-play of x\ce throughout, apparently 

modest and timid, but intensely intei'ested, and 

changing constantly. Confident, however, all the 

time. Herald hands papers to Fairy. 

Her. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! The decision is about 

to be given. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts ! 

Fairy. The White Knight has scored 981 to Diamonds 
673, and Hearts 755, and wins. Your majesties, I present 
you your future son-in-law. 

K. [Aside :] Deuce take the fellow ! And that beggarly 
Diamonds ! why didn't he exert himself? [King comes 
forward and congratulates him, shaking hands. The othe?'s 
go sulkily, Diamonds to right of performers, Hearts to left, 
Joker in middle front."] I am pleased to add to my family 
a young man of so spotless a character. [Aside.] He's not 
so bad after all, though I had set my heart on Diamonds. 
I am glad it wasn't Hearts. 

[King goes over to Diamonds and converses, comfort- 
ing him. Queen comes forward, and offers Joker 
her hand, which he kisses. 
Q. Peerless young man ! I congratulate you. [Beckons to 
Ace, who comes forward^] My daughter, receive your 
betrothed. [Aside.] Poor Hearts ! I am so disappointed 
in him ! But he is so unlucky ! I am glad, any way, it 
isn't Diamonds. [Ace and W. K. embrace. 

A. of H. [Aside to W. K.] I knew you'd win. You're so 
clever. 

W. K. [Aside.] It was your gift and love inspired me. 
Those tarts — [Queen goes to talk to Hearts. 

A. of H. [Surprised, aside.] But I didn't — 
Q. [Interrupting.] Now let's have the dance. 

[They take places. Dance a minuet. By-play be- 
tween Knave of Hearts and Ace of Diamonds. 



42 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

Q. \_After the dance."] I am so hungry. Ten, bring in 
the refreshment. 

A. of H. Oh, no, mamma ! let's dance again. I am not 
hungry at all. [To Joker.] Are you? 

W. K. [ With an effort.] No, of course not. 

Q. You silly grasshoppers, you may feed on dew. I can't. 

Elite}- Ten in a fright. 

Ten. May it please your majesty, the tarts are gone. 

All. [Shriek.] Gone ! 

K. \_In a passion?] What ho ! the headsman ! It's dam- 
nable treason. They were made by our own consort's royal 
hand. It's heresy, sacrilege, sedition, privy conspiracy, and 
rebellion. 

W. K. [Agitated, to A. of H.] What ! were those the 
royal tarts? 

A. of H. [Convulsed '.] And you ate them ! Oh, horror \ 
We are lost ! 

W. K. Say not a word. I'll shield you. 

A. of H. [Cries out.] It was not he. It was all a mistake. 
[Faints in his arms, and is removed by two Pages. 

K. of H. [To Queen.] Certainly it was the Joker. 

Q. It must be he. 

K. of D. [To King.] It was the Joker. We saw him in 
the apartment. 

K. It can only be he. And our intended son-in-law ! 
'Fore George ! 'tis parricide ! Guards, to the block with 
him ! 

K. of H. I say, Diamonds, this is too rough. Let's get 
him off. 

K. of D. [Aside.] Hold your tongue, or I'll expose you. 

W. K. I refuse not the axe ; but the law requires a trial. 

K. Zounds ! he's right ! he's right ! That trifle of detail 
had escaped me. But it's sound law, eh, Diamonds ? 



ACT in. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. • 43 

K. of D. True, true, your majesty, he has that right, but 
it amounts to nothing. We'll convict him easily. The 
proof is damning. 

K. Good ! Bring me my robe and wig. I'll sit as judge 
and try him on the spot. 

Q. I thank your majesty. My honor will be avenged. 
\_Aside.~] I wish the youth had been less comely. 'Twere a 
pity, too, to sever so melodious a windpipe. 

. \Kjng puts on his robe and wig. 

K. Herald, open the court. 

Her. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! This supreme court of 
the Kingdom of Hearts is now open for business. The White 
Knight, called Joker, come into court. 

W. K. Here. 

Her. [Reads. ~\ You are charged with having surreptitiously, 
wickedly, and with malice aforethought, stolen, taken, and 
carried away the sacred tarts, made by the anointed hands 
of her royal majesty ; against the laws of Hoyle in such cases 
made and provided ; and contrary to the tenor of the nur- 
sery rhyme handed down from time immemorial. Long live 
his majesty, King of Hearts ! 

W. K. May it please your majesty, I call for a bill of par- 
ticulars. 

K. Say, Diamonds, is it regular? 

K. of D. Your majesty must not allow it. 

K. The demand is refused. 

W. K. I appeal. 

K. Of course he can appeal, Diamonds ? 

K. of D. No, he can't, your majesty. 

K. Gad ! how troublesome this law is ! I revoke the 
order then. 

All. But you can't revoke. It's against the rules. 

K. Confound the wretched law ! Fairy, what shall I do ? 

Fairy. What a fool you are to attempt this human way of 



44 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

trying cases ! It never succeeds. The guilty ones always 
get off, and the innocent ones are convicted. Try the case 
as becomes the King of Hearts. Let the prisoner turn a 
card. If he turn a red one, he is innocent. If he turn a 
black one, he is guilty. That's much more likely to be right. 
K. Just the thing ! We'll do it. Bring the cards. 

[W. K. turns a card and holds it up. 
All. Red ! He's innocent. 

K. Charming ! How simple ! Now it is all right. Go 
on with the dancing. 

Q. But somebody must have stolen the tarts. 
K. Oh, bother ! there's a new trouble. ' Of course, some- 
body must. Try the cards again. We'll all cut, and the 
lowest is guilty. 

\_They all cut, and give the names of their cards. 
Nobody has lower than three. 2 wo Knaves come 
last, and cut deuces. 
K. It's between the two rivals. Try again. 

\They cut deuces again. They cut again, and cut 

deuces a third time. 
K. Faith, they're both guilty. 
W. K. May it please your majesty — 

\_As soon as he begins to speak, the Knaves slink be- 
hind the two pillars and change their costume. 
W. K. I received the tarts by a messenger, pretending 
to come from the Princess. I thought she must have sent 
them. 

A. of H. \_Coming to."] I never sent them. I thought you 
took them. 

W. K. And now I think of it, 'twas yonder Knave of 
Hearts that brought them in disguise. 

K. It is a conspiracy of these varlets. Where are they? 
We'll have their heads off instead. Ho ! guards, pursue 
them. 



ACT in. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 45 

Fairy. Stop ! never mind your clumsy executioners. I'll 
do it for you much better than that. [ Waves wand an in- 
stant. Pillars vanish, and the Knaves are seen turned into 
candelabra, holding lights.'] There ! they will show the way 
now, if they never took it themselves. 

A. of-S. and A. of D. [To Fairy.] Now, dear Fairy, don't 
be too hard upon them. It's a pity to waste young men in 
this way, when there are so few. Please pardon them. 

Q. Oh, yes ! we can't go on with the party without them. 

A. of II. Yes, do ! Our play will be a tragedy if it doesn't 
come out well ; and I never could like tragedy. 

A. of S. and A. of D. We'll vouch for them. 

Fairy. Well, go and swear them to good behavior. 

A. of S. and A. of D. [Go towards the candelabra.] 
Hold up your right hands. 

A. of D. Oh ! you have got them up already. 

A. of S. You solemnly swear to be excellent young men, 
to be very kind and attentive, and never plot any more, nor 
steal any more, nor smoke, nor do anything that isn't nice, 
as long as you live. [They nod as statues. To Fairy.] 
There, they promise, you see. 

Fairy. [ Waves her wand.~] Now go and take them. 

[They go and put their hands on their arms. The candela- 
bra wake up with a start, and make love to the Aces. 

K. of II. [To A. of D.] But I didn't know you cared for 
me. You told me once you didn't. 

A. of D. Yes, but then — well — perhaps — I think I must 
have been mistaken. 

K. of D. [To A. of S.] By Jove ! Spades, how handsome 
you are ! You're a thousand times better than the Princess. 

A. of S. And will you promise never to look at her any 
more? 

K. of D. Never ! And do you care for me? 

A. of S. I suppose I ought not to ; but I can't always do 
what I ought ; can you ? 



46 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. act hi. 

A", of D. I'll try hereafter, anyway, if you will care for me 
still. [Demonstration of affection. 

Ten. [To A. of C] My dear Clubs, we must each take 
the odd cant, you see. 

A. of C. I don't see why I should refuse you. The Ten 
is as good as the courjt cards in cribbage, and we may count 
it so, even if we are beyond the crib-age. 

[Ten takes her hand. 

Fairy. There ! your majesty. It has all come right at 
last, and they are well paired. So you must pardon the bad 
ones and bless them all, and then we can go on with the 
dancing. [They take their places. 

K. So I do, I am sure. And it's not a bad lot after all. 
Let's see, fifteen two, fifteen four, three common pairs six, 
and one pair royal, — sixteen, — and two for that knave's 
heels eighteen. That's my hand. Now [to audience~\ show 
yours. 

Music. Curtain. 



Pressicork by Berwick & Smith, 118 Purchase Street, Boston. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



Books on 



ALLEN: 

ARNOLD: 

CARPENTER 

HARRISON: 

GARNETT: 

HUDSON: 



LOUNSBURT 

ROLTE: 

SPRAG-UE: 




016 103 244 



Intro. 
Price. 



Guide to English History $ .20 

English Literature 1.20 

Anglo-Saxon Grammar and Reader ... .60 

English of the XlVth Century 90 

Beowulf 40 

Translation of Beowulf 1.00 

Harvard Shakespeare 25.00 

Life, Art, and Characters of Shakespeare . 4.00 

School Shakespeare 45 

English in Schools 25 

Three- Volume Shakespeare ... per vol. 1.20 
Expurgated Family Shakespeare .... 16.00 

Text-Book of Poetry 1.20 

Text-Book of Prose 1.20 

Pamphlet Selections, Prose and Poetry . . .24 

Classical English Reader 90 

Chaucer's Parlament of Foules 40 

Graik's English' of Shakespeare 90 

Milton's Paradise Lost and Lycidas . . . .45 
Selections from Irving ....... .32 



Copies sent to Teachers for Examination, with a view to 
Introduction, on receipt of Introduction Price, 



GINN, HEATH & CO., Publishers. 

BOSTON. NEW YORK. CHICAGO 



